We Changed Our Minds…

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There’s always so much to write about. Some of it we are nervous about sharing, but sharing happens so healing can happen. This post may cause some issues for some people so please keep that in mind when reading.

We changed our minds. We decided to change how we view our past. Our life. The things that were done to us, the things we did to ourselves, each other, and other people.

Our life, from almost the beginning, was marred and tarnished by sexual abuse. Our family didn’t notice and when we eventually came out with at around age 14 we were met with disbelief. We told our youth group leader at church and a friend’s mother and nothing was done. We told our bio mom at one point and she wasn’t in a place where she could believe us. It wasn’t until we told a camp counselor that someone stepped in. Even then, the police said there wasn’t enough evidence and our story wasn’t consistent. The abuse stopped but the damage done by a broken system and years of sexual abuse was already done.

It was next to impossible for us to believe that the God we worshipped in the same church our childhood abuser was a deacon and sang in the choir was at all interested in helping us. We believed, with the help of several misguided people, that God’s grace wasn’t for us.

We went on to be highly promiscuous, with the help of people who took advantage of our fragile state. Our body was used to justify a woman’s cheating on her husband. We allowed our body to be hurt and to be used sexually. We married a man who enjoyed hurting our body and we were convinced that we enjoyed it too. We participated in activities that now make our skin crawl. We allowed our body and ourselves to be treated worse than most people treat their family dog and we called it love.

Our body bears the permanent marks of our choices. Our mind bears the fractures of lack of nurturing and outright abuse. And we called it all love.

We’ve changed our minds. These things don’t come from love. They come from poor choices. Our poor choices and the poor choices of others. These things can no longer hold us back. God does love us. His grace is for us too. We will use these events to help others understand that life can get better no matter what your past looks like. You can learn to choose your own food choices. You can learn to find healing. You are not subpar and neither are we.

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If You Can’t Beat Them….

If You Can't Beat Them....

 

The shadows have been a consistent problem for the last couple of years. They cause chaos, they get quiet. The reject members of their colony and then get mad at us for taking them in. They cause choking while trying to swallow things. They feed negative and painful thoughts to the majority of us. They play old and hurtful memories on a movie screen inside. They are not kind.

Before we left Colorado and our amazing therapist we were working on how to handle those events. They aren’t intentionally cruel, they are trying to protect us in very maladaptive ways. B, our therapist in Colorado, said that it was like bursts. The longer we fought them the longer it would go on. To make it stop we needed to not react to the negative and yet thank them for trying to help.

It makes sense, but it sucks. Not gonna lie there. It almost feels like rewarding and thanking them for bad behavior and hurtful behavior even. It’s dancing the dance. The dance that always seems to have us* captivated and mesmerized. The dance that catches our souls and just grabs on. We are compelled to dance the dance because not dancing means chaos reigns.

Not sure if that’s the right way to deal with them or not. It’s a catch 22 in a lot of ways. Not sure we have a choice. We will continue the dance.

 

  • us/we/our from this point on refers only to Layna and Cadie as we’re the ones writing this.

When Changing Your Life Means Changing Your Mind

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It’s interesting now to look back over the last 10 years of our life. Married, separated, married, a baby or two, and separated again. Gave up a dog to our husband, attached to a newer dog, widowed, dog number one ended up with a friend. Mended relationships, some got worse. Quit smoking. Learned to cook some and learned to clean.

In 2 short months will be the third anniversary of the biggest change of all. We changed our minds. We decided no more to the abuse and toxic relationship. We decided to break cycles and move away from where our husband could find us, where a childhood abuser lived next door, where we were jumping at shadows and not functioning in a way the kids needed. We simply changed our minds. We said no more.

All of the good changes to us that have happened was a direct result of changing our minds. Just this year we changed our minds about God being unavailable to us. We understood the hurt that God’s people can do and decided not to use that against Him. We learned how to step out of our comfort zone and stop looking for the danger everywhere we went.

We took back our life by changing our minds.